George Carlin Quotes

42 quotations by George Carlin

You know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.

When you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.

When Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.

What does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?

Well, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?

Weather forecast for tonight: dark.

Think off-center.

There's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.

The very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.

The status quo sucks.

The reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.

The main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.

Standing ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.

One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.

One can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.

Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.

May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.

Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.

Inside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.

In comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.

If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.

If it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.

If God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.

I'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.

I'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.

I would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.

I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.

I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.

I think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.

I recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.

I have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.

"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?

Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.

Electricity is really just organized lightning.

Dusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.

Don't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.

Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

At a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.

Always do whatever's next.