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George Carlin Quotes

42 quotations by George Carlin

QuoteYou know an odd feeling? Sitting on the toilet eating a chocolate candy bar.Quote

QuoteWhen you're born you get a ticket to the freak show. When you're born in America, you get a front row seat.Quote

QuoteWhen Thomas Edison worked late into the night on the electric light, he had to do it by gas lamp or candle. I'm sure it made the work seem that much more urgent.Quote

QuoteWhat does it mean to pre-board? Do you get on before you get on?Quote

QuoteWell, if crime fighters fight crime and fire fighters fight fire, what do freedom fighters fight? They never mention that part to us, do they?Quote

QuoteWeather forecast for tonight: dark.Quote

QuoteThink off-center.Quote

QuoteThere's no present. There's only the immediate future and the recent past.Quote

QuoteThe very existence of flame-throwers proves that some time, somewhere, someone said to themselves, You know, I want to set those people over there on fire, but I'm just not close enough to get the job done.Quote

QuoteThe status quo sucks.Quote

QuoteThe reason I talk to myself is that I'm the only one whose answers I accept.Quote

QuoteThe main reason Santa is so jolly is because he knows where all the bad girls live.Quote

QuoteStanding ovations have become far too commonplace. What we need are ovations where the audience members all punch and kick one another.Quote

QuoteOne tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.Quote

QuoteOne can never know for sure what a deserted area looks like.Quote

QuoteMost people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough money not to quit.Quote

QuoteMay the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.Quote

QuoteJust cause you got the monkey off your back doesn't mean the circus has left town.Quote

QuoteInside every cynical person, there is a disappointed idealist.Quote

QuoteIn comic strips, the person on the right always speaks first.Quote

QuoteIf you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten.Quote

QuoteIf it's true that our species is alone in the universe, then I'd have to say the universe aimed rather low and settled for very little.Quote

QuoteIf God had intended us not to masturbate he would've made our arms shorter.Quote

QuoteI'm not concerned about all hell breaking loose, but that a PART of hell will break loose... it'll be much harder to detect.Quote

QuoteI'm always relieved when someone is delivering a eulogy and I realize I'm listening to it.Quote

QuoteI would never want to be a member of a group whose symbol was a guy nailed to two pieces of wood.Quote

QuoteI went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.Quote

QuoteI think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven't tried that for a while. Maybe this time it'll work.Quote

QuoteI think it would be interesting if old people got anti-Alzheimer's disease where they slowly began to recover other people's lost memories.Quote

QuoteI recently went to a new doctor and noticed he was located in something called the Professional Building. I felt better right away.Quote

QuoteI have as much authority as the Pope, I just don't have as many people who believe it.Quote

Quote"I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?Quote

QuoteHave you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?Quote

QuoteFighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.Quote

QuoteElectricity is really just organized lightning.Quote

QuoteDusting is a good example of the futility of trying to put things right. As soon as you dust, the fact of your next dusting has already been established.Quote

QuoteDon't sweat the petty things and don't pet the sweaty things.Quote

QuoteDeath is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.Quote

QuoteBy and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.Quote

QuoteAtheism is a non-prophet organization.Quote

QuoteAt a formal dinner party, the person nearest death should always be seated closest to the bathroom.Quote

QuoteAlways do whatever's next.Quote